(Don't) Take A Seat? ASHAS Confirmed Endemic By CDC, WHO
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CHICAGO, IL - Chaos in the chair industry today as Herman-Miller stocks crater more than 75% following a concerning—if expected—joint announcement from the CDC and WHO.
“After poring over all available evidence and making some really neat assumptions about what the unavailable evidence probably says, the consensus of this body is that ASHAS has become, and will forever remain, an endemic part of human existence” declared CDC spokesman Jonathan Gainsborough,
Adjacent-Seat Human Allergenic Syndrome, or ASHAS, was accidentally discovered in 2018 by sociologist Layne Savonarola and immunologist Edward Pew, during the course of a standard consultation by Savonarola on behalf of Southwest Airlines. Tasked with investigating sky-high rates of People Standing Right In The Fucking Way When There Are Goddamn Seats Available Right There (PSRITFWWTAGSART, a common travel industry metric), Pew and Savonarola shocked the world with their discovery: an allergy which is activated only by immediate proximity to other humans, and only while sitting down.
“We’re used to thinking of allergies as physical responses to real matter: pollen triggering a sneeze, or peanuts causing us to immediately suffocate — the bastards. But what our research shows is that there exists an entire category of allergies that we’re only just beginning to scratch the surface of: interpersonal allergies, which manifest through freely-willed behavior, pushing against the very social foundations which enable our success as a species,” wrote Pew in an exclusive letter to PGB News.
“I have all sorts of theories”, Pew continues, “on the precise mechanism of action. I at first thought it might have something to do with increased social alienation and dehumanization-via-screen, but someone on Twitter called me ableist for suggesting that so it definitely can’t be true. The strongest theory we have right now involves microscopic skin parasites telepathically communicating over distances no greater than a single chairwidth.”
“And, of course, there’s the open question of why the effects immediately disappear when a patient — even in the middle of a severe episode! — simply stands up, boards their plane, and then sits patiently between two random humans for eleven hours straight without incident. Nobody’s been able to make any progress on this question. Maybe something to do with pressure or altitude. Maybe the telepathic skin-mites just like flying and are chill like that.”
But the medical research community isn’t taking this admission of defeat sitting down.
“We’re investigating all sorts of treatments,” shared immunologist Amy Tuffet, who requested anonymity due to concerns around violating a non-disclosure agreement with her employer, The National Institute for Health. “Shots and pills and even condescendingly insisting to patients that they should touch grass and stop being afraid of every minor goddamn interaction with the beautiful humans they share a planet with. But when you really lean back and think about it, it’s just… it’s such a wobbly problem. It seems almost intentionally contoured to perfectly cushion our lowest tendencies from introspection. And in the face of that, I don’t see how we can make progress. But we have to try.”
It’s not all doom and gloom: some infected patients currently receiving palliative care shared with us a different perspective.
“It’s not really that bad — sir, I’m saving these seats for my friends, you can’t sit here — you just honestly have to get used to it,” we heard from Tyler ‘Lah-zay’ Boye, a 29-year-old construction worker in Lift Springs, NH as he reclined in his immunologist’s office and waited to be injected with an eighth round of Sma’talkify, an experimental new treatment from pharma giant Pfizer. “The main thing that sucks is the constant reminders, every time I see a Middle Chair out there, that this world just isn’t designed for People of Non-Adjacency like me.”
When asked how Southwest Airlines will respond to the endemic declaration, a spokesperson for the company shared: “Southwest is a strong supporter of our ASHAS-positive community, as demonstrated by our history of leadership in the space — such as our newest initiative to tear out and incinerate every seating option which exists next to at least one other.”
At press time, a PGB News journalist sought comment from travelers in Chicago Midway International Airport, but was unable to successfully make eye contact or broach a conversation with even a single human being.