"Self-Conscious" Doesn't Mean "Feeling Bad About Yourself"
The key to defeating it lies in the "self-"
Part I: I Feel Self-Conscious All The Gotdang Time
I recently asked my friends Abby and Jack how socially awkward I came across. Their answer was that I was definitely weird but did not seem socially awkward at all. This surprised me! I feel I often come across in ways that make me cringe in retrospect. But perhaps it’s the case that I am simply far more self-conscious than I let on.
I am, in fact, a very self-conscious person. In most social situations — particularly when I’m among a group of people I’m not entirely familiar with — I am constantly assessing and reassessing the situation and, critically, how I am performing in it. And my assessments usually come down to some form of:
ur a fuckin’ loser and everyone is simply humoring your presence, idiot
Obviously, this is not a healthy thing to say to yourself! I also know it’s not true: paradoxically, I have a pretty high opinion of myself. I’m pretty sure that most people who claim to like me actually do like me; and I’m pretty sure that that’s because of various positive attributes I possess, some of which I have intentionally worked to cultivate. I think of myself as generally being a funny and cool guy!
But in the moment where I’m trying to come up with the right things to say; trying to make the right amount of eye contact; trying to figure out what to do with my hands… I judge these things extremely harshly. There’s an omnipresent fear that pervades any social dynamic in which I am not comfortably among familiar peers; one which I have made much progress in mitigating and managing, but not one I have managed to eradicate.
I’ve always thought that this perhaps makes me come across as “awkward”; the idea being something like, well, I perceive all these flaws in my own behavior — surely others are picking up on them as well, and judging me harshly for it. Sometimes this is probably true! Most of the time it probably isn’t.
The issue isn’t that I’m awkward; it’s that I’m self-conscious.
Part II: A Distinction With A Significant Difference
There are certain phrases which have, in my mind, transformed into names which bear meaning separate from the literal meaning of their constituent words. For example, if someone says “break the ice,” not a single neuron in my brain concerns itself with the concept of frozen water, even for a moment. I am not parsing the phrase as a phrase; I am parsing it as a name.
It’s like this with “self-conscious.”
I suspect that most people interpret “self-conscious” in the following way:
I am feeling bad about myself, particularly in the context of a social situation
But that’s not what it even means! It just means you are thinking about yourself.
This isn’t just an observation of linguistic quirks. I think this distinction matters. I strongly believe that understanding self-consciousness through this lens is the key to overcoming it. I would submit to you that the currently-accepted understanding of self-consciousness serves only to obfuscate useful understanding of the underlying problem.
Someone who is self-conscious spends far too much time thinking about themselves and not nearly enough time thinking about the situation they are actually in. They1 are far too concerned with optimizing their own performance; with projecting a false avatar; and in doing so, they blind themselves to the beauty of the people they are interacting with. Because they aren’t truly interacting. They are projecting an avatar: an inhuman caricature, designed to perfectly match what they think others want to see and hear, yet doomed to fail by the very nature of their effort.
Which of these people do you want to be?
Option 1
My neighbor is telling me about his greenhouse. I’m smiling and nodding now. He says something about it being laborious effort; I respond with an “oof” to demonstrate that I’m actively listening. My hands are in my pockets, which probably looks dumb; I’ll switch to crossing my arms. Shit, what am I going to say when he finishes talking? I don’t know anything about greenhouses; I don’t know the correct questions to ask. Actually, I don’t even truly remember what he’s been saying this whole time…
Option 2
My neighbor is telling me about his greenhouse. He’s put quite a lot of effort into it. Man, from his description, there’s a lot more logistics and paperwork than I’d expect. I had no idea you had to get approval from the city to put that up! I wonder what he plans to grow in there. I’ll have to ask him.
A contrived example, to be fair. Defeating self-consciousness doesn’t require that you become genuinely interested in all other people and their lives.
But it does require that you stop projecting an avatar which serves only to release you of the responsibility of being an actual goddamn human being.
It is when you think about yourself that you open up the floodgates of negative internal judgment.
Part III: How To Stop Thinking About Yourself
You have to identify a greater immediate priority than your own social performance.
Have you ever found that it is easier to stand up for others than for yourself? To assert yourself on another’s behalf? To network at a conference when your job, or company’s life, is on the line? I certainly have.
I am very self-conscious of my singing voice. It’s pretty shit. I do not like singing in front of other people, even as a large group. I will avoid it as much as possible. Yet, puzzlingly, I was also the first person to burst out in song when one family member pressured another into playing piano for the group — something she did not want to do. In that moment, I chose to sacrifice some ego on my part to help soothe the nerves of someone I cared about.
And it was fucking easy.
The problem is prioritization: your social performance should not be your highest priority! At all! It should be a priority (lest you be a douchebag), but your highest priorities in any given social situation should probably look more like:
I want to enjoy myself
I’d like to hear more of the story that person was telling but which got cut off
I want to introduce myself to that attractive person over yonder
Because I want to sleep with them, you see!
I’m going to be the best damn wingman this side of the Mississippi
By the end of the conference, I need to have had substantial conversations with fifteen potential customers, so my startup can succeed
I’m going to ingratiate myself with the new boss at the company Christmas party
I want this boring conversation I am in to end immediately
I want to mend my relationship with someone
Some of these priorities might seem alien or uncouth to you — that’s fine. This blog post isn’t about how to be a good person; it’s about how to overcome self-consciousness.
When you have a priority that is rooted in actionable steps, with clear desired outcomes, the next steps become easy. Introduce yourself to the girl. Sit down at the table and hand out your business card to the people there. Ask someone to resume what they were saying earlier. Tell someone you’re going to go mingle [and therefore end the conversation].
When your social performance is your highest priority, you are never going to be happy. You will spend all your time trying to give people what you think they want, never concerning yourself with (or permitting yourself to act upon) what you actually want.
But wait! Wouldn’t prioritizing my own interests make me an asshole? I hear you say. No! You’re an asshole if you’re an asshole. Prioritizing what you actually want is not the same thing as being a dick. Being an asshole informs what you want, not whether you’re willing to prioritize it. You should not want to mock people; to manipulate them; to abuse them. Being kind to people is a legitimate priority!
The only thing that properly prioritizing your own interests does is make you actually interesting to talk to! Finally, instead of projecting an avatar — a false image of your interests and thoughts and observations — you can instead project your actual self.
Yes, this means that you might have to say things that you think people won’t want to hear: I don’t like that song; I’m not really interested in gardening; I don’t want to be friends, sorry. But nobody wants to be patronized. Nobody wants to interact with an avatar. By projecting a false image, you are robbing people of the opportunity to actually interact with you.
Avatars are boring. People are interesting. Precisely because they have their own priorities, which collide and conflict and energize one another.
I*